First Fight Planning | Tips for Newlyweds
Being honest: the last few months have been hard for most couples, married, unmarried, engaged or just roommates. Each dynamic has its own set of boundaries and the quarantine probably tested them all. If you got through without having at least one fight as a couple, kudos! Even if you fought more than once, fighting is not the end all, unless you both give up on each other. As long as you’re not ready to give up, the tips below will help you in preparing for your first fight as a married couple. (And from someone who’s done it all wrong more than once, these are legit things I’ve learned in the past 13 years).
First Fight: Focus on the problem and take breaks
No one likes an unfair fight. Be sure to always stay in the moment and focus on the actual problem. If you’re fighting over the socks left on the floor, don’t start the blame game over dishes in the sink, ok? Even if you have a laundry list of things that your spouse has done to make you angry, don’t bring them up. It doesn’t help and tends to make things worse.
Taking a break or a breather doesn’t always mean the fight is over. You can step away and refocus, then come back and finish the argument. Sometimes it helps to have a code word with your spouse, that signals you’re going to take a break and come back. I’d highly recommend setting the code word before you’ve even started fighting (so go chat about it and come back… I’ll wait), so there isn’t an argument about that in the heat of the moment. Be sure to set a time limit for your break as well, so you can resolve the argument in a timely manner.
Write it out and don’t rush through
For some of us, seeing words and being able to read them helps us process the information and look at both sides more rationally. If you find that the two of you aren’t seeing eye to eye, try writing each other letters to explain your positions. Once you’ve each had time to write, read and process everything, come back and discuss it.
Sometimes, you just need to be mad for a bit before you can even begin to discuss the problem with your spouse. Don’t try to rush through an argument to get it over with. However, don’t let things stew for days on end either. Set some “rules for fighting” and stick to them.
Have a makeup plan
No matter what, at the end of the day you’re married and live with each other. Create a makeup plan, so that you can reconnect and get back to being the awesome power couple you are.
Below is my quick guide for creating your own “Rules for Fighting”. This is just a basic setup, and you can feel free to add your own items or remove items that don’t fit your needs.
First Fight Quick Plan
What is our code word for needing a break from an argument?
How long will our break be?
What is our plan for our break?
Where will each of us go?
Are there any activities that we agree are off limits during the break (example: we agree social media is not used during an active fight break)?
What if we can’t resolve the issue? How long will we continue to argue before compromising and initiating our makeup plan?
What does our makeup plan entail?
How will we reconnect emotionally after a fight?
Remember…
Everyone disagrees on something at some point. It’s OK if you don’t always get along, but never let a disagreement that won’t matter in 5 minutes get in the way of your marriage and love for your partner.
When you’re done fighting, head to one of these awesome breakfast dates for a “makeup” date.
